Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
brian had himself a morning…
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.