when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
When the stylist spins you back around
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.