The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease