Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
so i’m at the stock market right
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…