Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same