Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Love it! 👍😂
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up