I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.