My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*