A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
my fav colour is also hitler
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.