So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
i- i did not expect this
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?