I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.