“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!