*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”