I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?