My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me