Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
You Might Also Like
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”