I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
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Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
#oldknees
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.