People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Bootstraps
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work