Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Smells like a challenge to me
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Buck naked
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR