I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Hey Fugeddaboutit