When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
You Might Also Like
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
What kind of a cult is this?
Grandmother clock.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence