*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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Stop sending me this shit.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)