You Might Also Like
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
classic mixup
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters