turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Cndnsd Mlk
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.