Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play