I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see