The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.