Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
You Might Also Like
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*