Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?