This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
can’t catch a break
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Monday
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.