Muppet Screams
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.