The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.