‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
You Might Also Like
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.