Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.