I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”