Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
sugar glider wrangler
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My favorite female superhero
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?