Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
They’re not wrong
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth