I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You Might Also Like
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
life finds a way
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle