[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Meow
I wish I could veto my bills.
Where’s my employee discount too?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
when there are deer in the woods
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?