My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Well, this is awkward
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.