Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Squirrels before girls.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight