This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You Might Also Like
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably