If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
excuse me
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Buck naked
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.