If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
You Might Also Like
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….