“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
The human personality is made of five key elements
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit