[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.