When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.