On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!