Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
A tragic love story in two pictures.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
podcasts
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.