The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Meat Cute
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Hell yeah 👍
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
no
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.